The Dead Cow Story

Just for the fun of it, here’s a story I wrote when I was in 8th grade. I can’t remember why I wrote it, but that hardly matters, right? The fact is, it exists. Enjoy.


Once long ago, there was a legend of the Dead Cow. It was a true story for a while, but then it turned into a bunch of bull.

Here it is…

Long ago in the age of people who loved cows, there was a boy, who had a cow. He and the cow were best friends, maybe it was because the cow was a gift from his parents, who were dead, maybe because the cow was a magic talking cow, but it was probably because the boy had no other friends.
The point is, they were best friends, and sometimes the boy would talk to the cow, actually that’s all the boy did. Sit there all day in the barn, talking to the cow. Maybe, once in a while, when the cow was sick, the boy would go to school. But whenever he did the other kids would say mean things like “Hey, it’s the boy who talks to his cow” or “cow-talker-boy”
Even the cute girl who sat two seats in front of his usually empty seat called him “cow boy” except when she called him names it didn’t hurt, he figured it was a gesture of love. So the more names she called him the more he loved her, and although he was poor he would give her nice things. Actually they were just pictures of all the nice things that he wanted to give her, and she usually burned his pictures at lunch. He still gave her the pictures.
One day the boy brought his cow to school, to show everybody what was so special about his cow, but they wouldn’t let him into the school with the cow, and nobody would come outside to meet it, so he was kinda S.O.L.
The boy figured he could just wait outside the door until everybody came out. after all, they couldn’t stay in there forever. But the boy forgot about one thing: the back door. So while the boy and his cow sat outside looking like idiots, everybody snuck out the back as soon as they saw him.
The boy sat outside the school for three days with his cow, while the other children and the teachers snuck in and out the back, he figured they would come out at any moment, so he didn’t sleep and he didn’t eat and he didn’t pee.
Until the third night when he remembered the back door. He got so mad at himself for forgetting that he completely lost control of his bladder.
The next day the boy went to school, again with his cow, but this time the cow was disguised. The boy had dressed the cow in his mother’s clothes that morning. and when the teacher asked, he simply replied “it’s my mom, she wants to sit in today.”
All was going good until the teacher asked the cow a question and out came an accidental moo. Because, you see, although she was a magic talking cow, she wasn’t very smart.
the teacher took the hat off the cow and the entire class found out that the boy’s mom was really the boy’s cow. And when they tried to throw the cow out, she told them to go to hell, and they found out the cow could really talk. Although they thought it was cool, there was still the fact that no cows were allowed in school. You could have an elephant or a moose, but not a cow.
So they threw the boy and the cow outside and the boy was so angry that they did this that he took the cow home…

and shot her.

So, there, on the ground, was the magic talking cow with a bullet hole in her chest, and her magic cow blood all over the boy’s living room. the boy stripped naked and rolled around in the cow’s blood and then rolled the cow in it and pushed her outside.
then he set the house on fire.
But, being the stupid child he was, he stood in the center of the living room as the house burned. And so he died.
When the dead cow saw the house on fire, she got up and walked away. She wandered over to the school house and laid down and went to sleep.

So now the dead cow wanders around the world, bleeding all over, and sleeping during the day. Kind of like a vampire cow, but not really. If she gets into pastures she kills the other cows and then eats them for lunch. Kind of like a cannibal cow, but not really. when she’s finished she lets out a long moo.
Which isn’t really a moo, more like a gurgle, because she’s choking on her own blood and all.

the end.


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