To think it’s come to this.
It’s not the first time this feeling ha been harbored within my chest, I won’t lie and say it’s foreign or new. But it was a long time ago that I last felt this way. I thought I’d gotten better. I was sure that I’d cleared my head of all the self destructive impulses. It’s almost insulting to be back here again. As if it’s not enough to feel so darkly about myself, I had to find some extra way to kick myself while I’m down. Metaphorically kicking dirt into my own face.
This is a black spot I’m in.
I see no reason to not give in. I have nothing left. The life I’d built for myself has crumbled, there’s nothing left. Nothing. Not even tiny fragments I can scrape up, hold in my hands, and treasure pathetically. The world at large is not right for me. I’ve never fit into it. I’ve tried so hard, for so long, to be whole and functioning in it. I can’t fight any longer. I can’t put everything back together this time. I can’t start over again, not now.
So what’s left?
What recourse do I have?
The least I can do is make sure this all happens on my terms. Give in to the old impulses. Go a step further and be consumed by them. Let them develop to the ultimate peak. Go through with what I never thought I would. I’m going to go beyond the superficial cuts and bruises that I’ve inflicted in the past. I’m going to supersede the burns and punctures.
I’m going to make the blood flow like a river.
I already have my plan in place. Now there’s nobody to stop me. I don’t even know if I wish there was. I think I’m far past that. I’m so certain of what I’m going to do, I’m not sure that anyone could stop me.
It’ll happen tonight.
I think I’ll go to my neighbors first, I think I’ll dip my toe in the water there. They can be the initial taste. I’ve hated them and their fighting since moving in here. Then I’ll get in my car and make a cross country trip of it. If I move around a lot, it’ll take longer for the cops to track me down. They won’t see the patterns fast enough to keep up. State by state, town by town. I’ll be like the ball in a pinball machine. Here, there… back again.
You know, thinking about it more, I’m glad this is happening. I’ve had these fantasies for so long…